It’s parent volunteering time at school. Debbie and Larry opt for PTA, while Jackie and Marty volunteer to coach soccer. Debbie soon finds a nemesis, Linda, but Larry vows to help Debbie crush her. Debbie doesn’t want Larry to do anything weird. So Larry creates a small gingerbread man equipped with a camera that Larry controls with his own body movements that he sends into Linda’s house to frighten her into backing down and giving Debbie her way. That’s not weird, right?
Dick’s really bad at soccer. Marty’s trying to encourage him, but Jackie is confused by Marty’s positivity and feels like Marty’s just lying to Dick with every “good job.” Jackie can’t take this lying/positivity, so she kicks Dick off the team.
Larry: This is boring. Humans are boring.
Marty: Nice work, Dick! Way to get a piece of that one, that’s a great job!
Jackie: I’m confused, I’m very confused. It would appear that Dick is not doing a great job, and in fact, I would say that he is the worst player on the team, and yet, you keep lying about his performance.
Larry: Elizabeth, Debbie Weaver spent all morning putting lipstick on her teeth to come talk to you. I insist you hear her out.
Jackie: Team! Loyalty vote. Would you rather follow me to victory, or follow Coach Weaver to certain defeat? Choose now.
(Everyone, including Max, joins Jackie.)
Max: Come on, Dad. Look at her in those shorts. I just got puberty.
All the PTA folks bail on helping out making cookies because they’re afraid of Larry. The bake sale’s a bust, but Larry does respect Debbie’s ideas, and likes to learn from her.
Jackie’s sad because she kicked Dick off the team. But sports helped her gain a lot of self-esteem when she was young, and she just wanted Dick to feel good too. But he already does! So when Marty brings Dick back to the soccer field, Jackie puts him in. He’s terrible. But that’s OK.
Marty: Sometimes parents take sports a little too seriously. And the truth is, I think this might be more about your mom than you.
Dick: But you must admit, by all metrics, I am a pretty bad athlete.
Marty: Oh, the worst.
Marty: Hey, can I buy a cookie?
Debbie: I wouldn’t. Unless you like the taste of failure.
Marty: I’ve been told that I’m a fantastic coach.
Debbie: I’ve been told I’m a really good human woman.