Tessa's Field Guide to the Suburbs - "The Motherload"

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Mother’s Day

Date: Second Sunday of May

Description: A holiday dedicated to the celebration and appreciation of mothers.  Typical means of celebration include breakfast in bed, bouquets of roses, and reservations at Outback.  Atypical means of celebration, namely those practiced in Chatswin, involve skywriting, renting airtime on network television, and producing lavish recreations of the first Mother’s Day.  Such extreme methods of honoring mothers tend to fuel even more extreme acts as the holiday devolves into a kind of competition between families.  Further contributing to the regrettable spirit of competition in town is the Mother’s Day 5K, which is literally a competition.  The winner takes home five thousand dollars and bragging rights, both of which she uses liberally.

Most Lavish Celebrations of a Mother: Commissioning a statue of one’s mother to display in the town commons (Lana Hayes, 1980); Commissioning celebrity chef Magdus Florentine to create a one-time-only menu specifically tailored to the culinary preferences of one’s mother (Hollis Moye, 1990); Commissioning a biopic of one’s mother to star Meryl Streep (Roarke Hartman, 1994)

Most Regrettable Celebrations of a Mother: Saying, “Happy Mother’s Day!!!  You rock!!!” and leaving the celebration at that (Mike Cameron, 2005); burning “Happy Mother’s Day!!!  You Rock!!!” into the front lawn (Mike Cameron, 2006); insisting vertigo isn’t a thing and demanding one’s mother go on the hot air balloon ride one paid for so she can see the “Happy Mother’s Day!!!  You Rock!!!” that someone else had etched into a mountainside for his mother (Mike Cameron, 2007).