Tessa's Field Guide to the Suburbs - "Fire with Fire"

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Rhytidectomy
Alternate Name: Face Lift
Description:  An expensively futile attempt to look younger by assuming the facial features of an overgrown cat.  Post-op participants instinctively form prides to judge the less feline/plastic.  While typically enjoyed by women in the past, the custom has become a rite of passage of late for bored men with disposable income and saggy eyes.

Canine Rhytidectomy
Alternate Name: Face Lift… for dogs
Description: An oppressively stupid attempt to exhibit wealth by paying to make one’s dog assume the facial features of its owner.  The dog’s owner has, inevitably, previously assumed the facial features of an overgrown cat (see “Rhytidectomy”), making onlookers wonder why the owner didn’t just buy a cat to begin with.  Most post-op canines turn on their owners.

Breast Augmentation
Alternate Name: Boob Job
Description: A common practice among suburban housewives involving the strapping of gelatinous rocks to one’s chest in order to attract a mate, keep a husband, or both.  While success rates range from 35%-55%, almost 100% of practitioners experience increased back pain.  The gelatinous rocks, for which the word squidgy was invented, can only be found in nature if one places them there.

Rhinoplasty
Alternate Name: Nose Job
Description: A tradition in which local medicine men break every bone in a high school girl’s face to shrink her nose.  Most engaging in the custom do so for cosmetic reasons, though some may simply desire increased trouble breathing. Additional side effects include partially boosted self-esteem and sustained black eyes.

Hymenorrhaphy
Alternate Name: Revirginization
Description: Don’t ask.  It’s not worth it.  Re-read “Rhinoplasty” and be on your way.