Tessa's Blog - 04/11/2012

Tessa's Bio | Read the episode recap

I've learned a great deal from my recent experiences as a third wheel and my subsequent time alone. One: couple names were, are, and always will be a horrible idea. How anyone can think they're cute or clever is beyond me. Two: Ryan Shay is, for all his faults, kind of a mensch. I never thought I'd say this, but I could picture myself spending more time with him. As a friend. Strictly as a friend. Away from the wrestling team. With Lisa and Malik. If they could tolerate him. Three: Evan desperately needs to find a girl. Really desperately. I don't know if it was Lisa or Malik who fed Evan the lines he tried to use on me -- "Don't want to see no panties tonight" seems like something Lisa might troublingly find appropriate -- but it's time to give him some constructive guidance. And so I will now address the remainder of my comments directly to Evan.

First off, Evan, just to reiterate, "Don't want to see no panties tonight" will not lock a girl down. That cannot be stressed enough. "Take off that brassiere, my dear" is also a dealbreaker for what should be obvious reasons. Finally, "Girl, I'm trying to get with you," is problematic on several levels. Addressing your crush as "girl," "woman," or "hey you" gives off the impression that you haven't bothered to learn her name. Not good. And "get with you" carries bizarre connotations best avoided in the pre-natal stages of a relationship. Maybe try less disturbing euphemisms for date, such as "go out with you," "take you to a movie," or "date." Now, if we take the tips I just gave you and apply them, your revised proposal to me would be, "Tessa, I would like to go out with you." Much better.

Of course, I would still say no because I can never unhear the other things you said to me. But you can take these helpful suggestions and use them on another girl. You're a nice guy Evan -- you have a lot to offer. You got a perfect score on your PSATs. You wear corrective lenses. You have a really interesting staple belt. These are not small things. So go out there and make something happen. And don't use "make something happen" as a euphemism for dating.