Tessa's Blog - 02/15/2012

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In student body elections, absurdity comes with the territory.  It’s unavoidable.  You have teenagers devising policies meant to appeal to other teenagers.  Now, put those teenagers at Chatswin High and substance is even less rampant.  While the Thin Twins platform to double the gym requirement was fairly appalling, it’s nothing compared with past policies.  Behold the five most spectacularly misguided student body president platforms -- some of which were enacted -- in the history of Chatswin.

1967 - Plastics.  That was all the candidate proposed -- plastics.  He’d just seen “The Graduate” and was pretty enthusiastic about it.  Apparently the rest of the student body was, too.  The guy won in a landslide.

1972 - Hire Janis Joplin to teach music theory.  While Ms. Joplin would have needed to be licensed to take the position, she also would have needed to be alive.  She died in 1970.

1974 - First student to find Patty Hearst graduates early.   This policy was directly responsible for the disproportionate number of Chatswinians in the Symbionese Liberation Army.

1975 - First student to bring back former Chatswin High students lost to the Symbionese Liberation Army graduates early.  Like the previous policy regarding the SLA and early graduation, this policy also only served to swell the ranks of the organization.

1987 - Relocate Chatswin High to Ibiza.  Plans for the relocation actually reached very advanced stages until they were scuttled when students discovered they would have to learn the metric system.