STORY 1: The Phantom of the Opera
Cam is putting on the school production of The Phantom of the Opera. Marcus Talbot is cast as the lead, but when he gets sick, Manny sees it as his chance to be the star of the show. Cameron sees it as Luke's chance to be the star when he hears the Dunphy singing. Soon Manny finds himself torn between sabotaging Luke or giving up the spotlight. It's a can't-miss production, and even Phil's dad Frank Dunphy (guest star Fred Willard) shows up to see it.

Memorable Quotes:

Luke: “Hey, dad, you coming to my play tonight?”
Alex: “Your play? You only painted the sets.”
Luke: “Yeah? And Michelangelo only painted the Sixteenth Chapel.”
Alex: “Maybe don’t keep your face so close to the paint cans.”

Manny: “I don’t know how Marcus ever got the lead, but I know how he got sick – from chewing all that scenery.”

Cameron (on choosing Luke as an understudy): “He knows the show, he sings like a nightingale and he has a certain theatrical madness in his eyes you cannot teach.”
Manny: “That’s just from all the paint.”

Maureen (the school theater critic): “I have two sources telling me your lead is home with chicken pox.”
Cameron: “Mono.”
Maureen: “Make that three sources.”
Cameron: “Damn, you’re good.”

Cameron (on not having a lead for the play): “Well maybe we can pump Marcus full of whatever they gave those bike riders.”

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STORY 2: A Golfing Foursome
Phil, Jay, Mitchell and friend Pepper Saltzman (guest star Nathan Lane) go golfing. By the 18th hole, the men have bonded over father-son relationships so much so that Harry Chapin's song "Cat's in the Cradle" has them in tears.

Memorable Quotes:

Phil: “I’m not the strongest golfer and I think it’s holding me back in business. Too bad deals aren’t closed in a trampoline park. I’d just lazy-back into a rudolph into a quadriffus right up the corporate ladder.”

Phil: “Thanks so much for the quick lesson, Jay. Just think of me as a blob of clay waiting for your experienced hands to caress and coax me...”
Jay: “First rule of golf: shhh.”

Pepper: “I grew up golfing with my father, the great Chaim Saltzman. Or, as he was known around the clubhouse, Chad Treadwell.”

Phil (to Mitch, Pepper and Jay): “Well, we should play together as a foursome.”
Jay: “First time that word’s creeped me out, but OK.”

Pepper (giving a pep talk to Mitch who’s losing to Jay): “You need to get angry. Play aggressive. That man’s been Mitch slapping you your entire life.”

Jay: “You’re the worst thing to happen to golf since they let people wear shorts.”

Pepper: “I like big putts and I cannot lie.”

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STORY 3: The Psychic
Gloria takes Alex to a psychic, who predicts single Alex will soon meet her proverbial knight in shining armor.

Memorable Quotes:

Alex: “You maybe want to take a shift carrying this dry ice?”
Gloria: “No, I just had a baby.”
Alex: “I’ve watched you carry Manny to bed.”

Alex (on telling the psychic she would be attending a renaissance fair): “There’s no renaissance fair. Even if there was, I wouldn’t go. I’d be the laughing stock of the Young Astronomers Club.”

Alex (on baiting the psychic): “It’s like Scrabble with Haley. After a while, you’re just playing against yourself.”

Psychic: “You feel that? A presence has just entered the room.”
Alex: “Or the A/C kicked in.”