STORY 1: F.U. Pritchett
Gloria's fiery mother Pilar (guest star Elizabeth Peña) and gloomy, underprivileged sister Sonia (guest star Stephanie Beatriz) visit for the new baby's christening. Tension mounts between the two sisters, and even more animosity develops between Pilar and Jay, because he refuses to name his son after Pilar's late husband, Fulgencio.

Memorable Quotes:

Jay: "As great as it bringing a baby home from the hospital, there's one sound you absolutely dread waking up to: relatives."

Sonia: "We need more corn. Gloria, where is your garden? I will harvest some."

Jay: "Fulgencio Umberto. The initials are F.U. Pritchett, which is exactly the way it feels right now."

Sonia (ready to do Gloria's laundry): "Where's the river?"

Sonia: "What is this room?"
Gloria: "This is the closet."
Sonia: "So all the people of the town, they leave their nice clothes with you?"

Gloria: "So tell me, how are things in the village?"
Sonia: "We had a flood."
Gloria: "Ay, but it wasn't a bad one, right?"
Sonia: "We had a boat."
Gloria: "Ay, that's great!"
Sonia: "We had a boat."

Jay (complaining about Gloria's mother): "From day one I've treated this woman like a queen. I've flown her back and forth. I've tasted her native food. You know what chin tastes like?!?"

Claire: "You have an in-law, who no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you can't win over."
Jay: "What about it?"
Claire: "Wait, that doesn't sound familiar?"
Jay: "You're not saying..."
Claire: "Yeah, I am."
Jay: "Son of a bitch, I'm Phil!"

Jay (giving a speech at the baptism): "I'd like to tell you a story of how I met my incredible wife, because up until the birth of this child, it's the best thing that ever happened to me."
Claire (to Mitchell): "That feels good, huh?"

Jay (stopping Gloria, Pilar and Sonia from arguing in the church): "OK, that's it!!! We're in a house of god, dammit!"

Gloria: "I really want you to be happy. Can you forgive me?"
Sonia: "It will take some time."
Gloria: "As much as you need."
Sonia: "And some dresses."
Gloria: "As many as you want."
Sonia: "And some shoes."
Gloria (reasoning with her): "You're angry now."

Father Krzyzieski: "In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit, what name have you given the child?"
Jay: "Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett."
Father Krzyzieski: "May God be with you all."
Gloria: "Thank you, Jay."
Jay: "We're never gonna call him that."

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STORY 2: The Godfather
Claire and Phil are busy with becoming the new baby's godparents. When Claire isn't available to help out Luke, Alex and Haley, Phil steps in to solve their personal problems using his charms rather than Claire's more argumentative methods. After his method of killing with kindness fails to resolve the issues between Alex and classmate Karen Sullivan, Luke and his friend Reuben and Haley and neighbor Miss Cooper, Phil decides to exact revenge on his kids' tormenters, with Luke acting as the Modern mafia-style hitman. Phil is the new godfather, after all.

Memorable Quotes:

Phil: "Is there some kind of dress code for godparents?"
Claire: "You're not wearing a fedora, Phil."

Haley: "Our neighbor's out of town and she's paying me to move her car on street cleaning days. Now, I would just park it in her driveway, but she already has a camper and a cord of wood there. Pretty sure she's a lesbian."

Phil: "My kids didn't understand the concept of killing with kindness, because they've never seen it. So, I decided I'd prove it to them... by going on a hugicidal rampage."

Phil: "Is that Reuben rockin' the Potter specs? Quiddiculous!"

Claire: "Isn't it crazy how all our kids' problems just disappeared?"
Phil: "Don't ever ask me about my business, Claire."

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STORY 3: Lily's Got Attitude
Cam and Mitch are unhappy with Lily's new sarcastic attitude. Fed up with her snarky replies of "Cry me a river" and "Should I call you a waaah-mbulance?" the fathers decide to lead by example by fighting off the urge to make negative comments in front of her.

Memorable Quotes:

Lily: "Cry me a river."

Lily: "Should I call you a waaah-mbulance?"

Lily: "Today, ladies!"