STORY 1: Phil and Claire’s 5-Year Plan
Claire is having a particularly bad day with the kids but in five years, the Dunphy household will be completely free of children. As part of Phil and Claire’s “5-year plan,” Phil goes in to get a vasectomy.

Memorable Quotes:

Phil: “Is it a vasecto-you or a vasectomy?”

Phil: “It’ll allow for a little more freestyling in the boudoir without having to worry about adding more critters.”

Alex: “Don’t you have a class to fail?”
Haley: “Don’t you have a raven to train?”

Claire (calling Alex’s bluff on shaving her head with her goth friend): “Then let’s do this! It’s shaving time! Shavy-gravy! Shaved by the bell!”
Alex: “Why are you talking like dad?”

Jay (persuading Phil to go through with his vasectomy): “Look, no one’s going to think less of you. And it hardly even hurts.”
Phil: “I’m unusually sensitive down there. I can’t go in certain Jacuzzis.”

____________________

STORY 2: Cam Needs a Job
With Lily in kindergarten, Cam has much more free time. Mitchell wants him to get a job, but it’s a very sensitive subject with Cam.

Memorable Quotes:

Cam: “I think you pegged me. Bone lazy. Just like on the farm. First to bed, last to wake up in the morning. You know what? Why don’t you call my dad up and you two can gab all night about what a teat-sucking layabout I am.”

Longinus: “Mitchell, this is Joe.”
Mitchell: “Just Joe?”
Jeoux: “Yes, Joe. J-E-O-U-X.”

Cameron: “Have you ever stitched Lycra? It’s like sewing water, Mitchell.”
Mitchell: “It looks a little small for Lily.”
Cameron: “It’s not for Lily. It’s for the cat. It’s a mermaid costume for the cat…” [sobbing] “My master project is a mermaid costume… for a cat.”

Cameron: “This is eight weeks of my life! My stupid, empty, creepy, useless, cat-dressing life!”

____________________

STORY 3: Big on Baby
Jay hasn’t told Gloria that he secretly wants a boy, while both Jay and Manny are afraid to tell Gloria that she no longer fits in her regular clothes.

Memorable Quotes:

Jay (looking at the sonogram):  “Is that a license plate and a hubcap? You know, like in Jaws?”
Gloria: “I never saw it.”
Doctor: “I saw it but I don’t remember a scene with a hubcap in a pregnant woman.”

Jay: “I’m having a baby at 65. You want another surprise, Gloria? Buy yourself a box of Cracker Jacks.”

Gloria: “Stupid drycleaners! They shrink my clothes!”
Jay: “Might be time for maternity wear.”
Gloria: “Are you crazy? I’m barely showing.”
Jay: “Sweetheart, your shirts barely fit before you were pregnant.”

Gloria: “Manny, you don’t seem so happy. You usually love it when I pull you out of school to play hockey.”
Manny: “A) It’s hooky, and B) don’t ever take me out of school to play hockey.”

Jay: “I don’t think I’m sensitive enough to raise a girl.”
Phil: “Jay, you’re being sensitive right now. I mean, I was pretty hysterical and you calmed me down. I don’t think you’re the man you used to be.”
Jay: “So you’re saying that if I can deal with you, I can handle any other little girl?”

Gloria (after her shirt bursts open): “Let’s go because Victoria is about to spill all of her secrets!”

Jay: “I’ve always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go through, sometimes you don’t get that choice, but you still gotta walk through it. So, you can either go kicking and screaming or walk through with your head held high. Since I don’t get to choose the door I’m about to walk through, I just pray it’s a happy, healthy kid. And a boy.”

Favorite Moment:
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