STORY 1: Haley Goes off to College
Haley leaves for college, and Phil and Claire can’t seem to stop embarrassing her as they help her move into her dorm.


Memorable Quotes:

Phil: “As I quote from one of our nation’s great fathers, Jefferson. George Jefferson.  ‘I never dreamed that one of my own would be going off to a university, but here I stand a proud black man knowing that all those hours I put in at the drycleaners…”
Claire (interrupting): “Phil...”
Phil: “Not now, Weezy.”

Alex: “If she’s the future of America, then we should start using Chinese money now.”

Claire: “Haley going to college is a miracle. Lily going to kindergarten is the law.”

Phil (after Claire admits to packing a box of condoms for Haley): “What? Why don’t you just buy her some fishnet stockings and a nurse’s outfit? Not that that’s my thing. That just popped into my head.

Haley (saying goodbye to Alex): “Don’t dork up our room.”
Alex: “Don’t slut up your college.”

Haley: “Seriously, though. Don’t study too hard, OK?”
Alex: “I’m totally going to have fun. I’m Iceland in the mock U.N.”
Haley: “Mom, we’re gonna lose her!”

Phil (reading from his Phil's-osophy book): “Never be afraid to reach for the stars because even if you fall, you’ll always be wearing a Parentchute™.”

____________________

STORY 2: Gloria and Jay Go off to Baby Class
Gloria and Jay go to baby class because Manny is concerned about their child-rearing skills.

Memorable Quotes:

Gloria (after being the first to wrap a baby doll during swaddling lessons): “Done! I win!”
Teacher: “It’s not a race.”
Jay: “You’re right. It wasn’t even close.”

Teacher (reviewing Gloria’s swaddling technique): “It’s good, but it’s a little tight.”
Gloria: “It’s a burrito, you don’t want the meat to fall out.”

____________________

STORY 3: Lily Goes off to Kindergarten
When a kid picks on Lily on her first day of kindergarten, Cam and Mitch try to make nice with the bully’s lesbian parents after the principal forces them all to go on a play date.

Memorable Quotes:

Principal: “Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was unacceptable.”
Cameron: “I agree. Is this kindergarten or The Hunger Games?”

Mitchell: “This is getting a little heated.”
Susan (to Pam): “We don’t want another incident like at the lumberyard.”
Mitchell: “Oh my god! You guys go to The Lumberyard, too? I didn’t know they had a ladies’ night.”
Pam: “Not the bar, Sally.”

Cameron (on having a play date with Pam and Susan): “We’ll host obviously.”
Pam: “Obviously?”
Cameron: “Well, I assume you have an unfinished woodworking project at your house.”
Pam: “You’ve got a lot of nerve.”
Susan: “And you’ve got a half a canoe in our living room.”

Pam: “I look forward to your frittata.”
Cameron: “Why, are you visiting us in 2008?”

Cameron: “We have an assortment of spring rolls here. All vegetarian, of course.”
Pam: “Oh, because I’m a lesbian, I’m automatically a vegetarian?”
Cameron: “I saw it on The L Word. I assume they have consultants.”

Pam: “I hate clowns. They’re so creepy.”
Cameron: “Maybe you just don’t like them because they wear makeup.”



Favorite Moment:
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