Alex is giving the valedictorian speech at her junior high graduation. Phil is hoping Claire will have an emotional breakdown at some point during the day. It's not that he likes seeing his wife a wreck, it's just that he knows the meltdown is inevitable. If Claire goes emotionally south today, he can still head out tomorrow to meet up with some pals in Vegas. Cha-ching!

Mitchell busts out laughing when his partner accidentally tumbles into Lily's ducky pool. Cam takes solace in the fact that the rest of the family doesn't find his unintended pratfall funny. After all, ducky pools have caused a lot of serious tailbone injuries. Of course, when Cam accidentally walks face-first into a screen door, Jay and Claire join Mitchell for some hysterical ha-has. It must be a Pritchett thing.

Jay's doctor gives him a shot of Botox that makes his eye a tad droopy. It's embarrassing, but a bigger problem arises when the family is trapped at his place because the front gate clicker is on the blink. This causes Claire to have a mini-meltdown which means Phil is one step closer to Sin City. As far as getting to the graduation, Phil and Claire make use of an odd double-bike Gloria digs out of the garage. Time for some pedal power!

Alex's valedictorian speech is all about slamming the kids who are obsessed looks, popularity and skinny jeans. Haley takes this as a personal dig on her. It leads to a heart-to-heart where Alex realizes that not all popular kids are as shallow as she thinks. Well, at least her sister isn't. She also learns that Haley thinks she's pretty. Wonder if there's time to work that into the speech.

Phil and Claire pedal their hearts out to make it to the graduation on time. Sadly, the bike chain breaks. Claire is beyond upset, but it's more about losing Alex than missing the graduation. She's not their little girl anymore. Suddenly Phil doesn't feel like going to Vegas. He only wants to get to that ceremony. He uses his Spanish language skills to ask a group of English-speaking gardeners for a ride. Vamanos, muchachos!

Back at the Pritchett place, Gloria has a nice chat with her hubby that lets Jay know there's no need to change the face she fell in love with. The good feelings continue as Luke manages to open the gate by using a Jedi mind trick. At least, that's what he thinks happened. Off to the graduation!

At the ceremony, Alex steps up to give her speech. Her parents aren't in their seats, but they are tumbling down a nearby hill trying to get to them. Even Cam has to laugh at the spectacle. As for Haley, she's just smiling. Alex abandoned her original speech for a more crowd-pleasing one. There's lots of clichéd song lyrics tossed into mix. It brings cheers from the crowd and gets Alex an invite to a party. Nice.