The Wild Bill Hickok of Getting Dressed - 11/22/11

I’m a man, and I work with lot of men. So I know what men are like. And that’s why I try to keep them the hell away from my daughters. Kyle may look like a nice, respectful young man, and he may act like a nice, respectful young man, but does that mean that he is a nice, respectful young man? Well, I guess you could make that case, but I know somewhere deep down inside that is a depraved caveman who is biologically hardwired to stop thinking with the head on his shoulders. Don’t let the goofy exterior fool you.

Kristin and Kyle both claim they were just talking. And it’s true that if shenanigans were going on in there, Kyle would have to be some sort of world-class speed -dresser to be up and clothed and halfway across the lawn by the time I got to the window. But maybe he is! How do I know? No one could shoot as fast as Wild Bill Hickok until Wild Bill Hickok showed up, and maybe Kyle is the Wild Bill Hickok of getting dressed and jumping out of windows. Either way, it’s not worth the risk of any shenanigans happening in my house, and if I do ever catch anything like that going on, some lucky gent will get to see whether or not I’m the Wild Bill Hickok of butt kicking.

I just don’t want my girls to grow up thinking that having a baby when you’re 20 and unmarried is the only way to go. I mean, sure, I’m the best grandpa in the history of grandpas, and I’m shaping Boyd in my own image so he’s a lock to turn out a smart, capable, good-looking kid. But teenagers just don’t think about the repercussions of things like dating, or sex, or rooting for the Oakland Raiders. That’s my job. And I will do everything I can to make sure I don’t raise any Raiders fans.