Of Crimes and Captain's Hats - 11/15/11

The following is a list of people who are allowed to wear Captain's hats:

     1. Captains of ships who are currently on a ship

That’s the whole list. Do you see “random idiots at neighborhood watch meetings” on there? Me neither. And while we’re on the topic of people who don’t deserve to wear a uniform, I’m so relieved we have Officer Snacky Forgetterson guarding our homes. I feel safer already. After me and Mr. Wong were out on our shift, Officer Snacky called the next day to report that he saw two men with flashlights -- one white, one Asian -- prowling the suburb. Thanks, genius.

That’s why I wasn’t into the neighborhood watch idea. First of all, we live in a pretty safe area. If you’ll recall, the only person Mandy ever sprayed with Mace was me. And before this break-in, the big crime story dominating the community chatter was the guy who stole the Wassermans’ trio of yapping Pomeranians, and in my opinion he deserved a medal. The real crime in this neighborhood is Ted and Lisa Hatteberg painting their house pink. “Desert rose” is still pink, Ted. Maybe you should have the cops put out an APB on your testicles.

You just can’t expect to rely on strangers when you’re really in trouble. I might dial 911, but I’m definitely going to get my 9mm and make someone run. I love the idea of the panic room. I don’t even think it’ll be that bad in there. All my loved ones in one place, safe and sound, Eve running the schedule, Kristin taking care of Boyd, and Mandy…probably going on and on about Lady Gaga, or how this home invasion is keeping her from going to some party, or about how the color of the walls down there don’t match her outfit, or…yikes. Maybe I need to build a panic room for our panic room.