The Agony of the Paintball - 11/1/11

So there you have it. I was outed as a traitor. And I’d do it again. I will do anything it takes to rub it in the faces of those pantywaists from Ted’s Tackle Box. And the wiener they painted on our plastic moose? I say we keep it on there. No harm in showing your manhood. Unless you’re at your wife’s best friend’s pool party. Learned that one the hard way.

When it comes down to it, I’ll do whatever it takes to win, and if that means recruiting girls, so be it. Of course, Eve isn’t like most other girls. She’s a fantastic athlete. (The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, after all.) Even Ed was happy she was out there, though unfortunately that wasn’t enough to keep his paintball gun in its holster. But I’ll take the agony of paintball over the agony of defeat any day.

That’s what made up my mind about the vote: I knew I had Eve, our secret weapon, and in the end it’d be worth it. Plus, as a dad I want MY ladies to be able to do everything, but ladies in general to do…lady stuff. Shopping or makeup or whatever, preferably with any credit card but mine. Actually, the more I think about it, I mostly want my girls to do lady stuff too. The thought of Mandy prancing around with a .30-06 rifle chills me to the bone.

So the vote wasn’t easy, but I guess I just like to make things hard on myself. I mean, I married an Ohio State grad. I have to deal with her fight songs and incessant rambling about Buckeyes. It’s a tree, for heaven’s sake. A tree! It’s not a small, toothy and tough-as-heck mammal that’s basically a small bear. A wolverine can chase you. The only thing trees can do is get peed on. By wolverines.