Lawyer-Happy Loonies - 2/28/12

Three hundred dollars in doctor’s bills for a kid who was trespassing and causing a disturbance. This is exactly why I don’t support a catch and release policy for punk kids. If I’d locked him in the basement cage, there would be no lawyers. Just a sad, futile search party and me smiling on the front porch, twirling the keys in my hand. (Although I don’t want to start a trend of making sure that boys pursuing my daughters are always in the house.)

The only justice here was that Eve had to help pay the bill…she’s the only one who’s going to enjoy being around him at all. What am I gonna do with a teenager who’s got no throwing arm and no imagination for a good prank? I just hope I don’t have to chat with his father, Judge Judy, ever again.

That attorney-happy attitude he’s got just goes to show you: people are getting stupider, but no one wants to admit it. So instead of being a man and saying, “Hey, I screwed up and I have to suffer the consequences,” we start suing for everything. Because then it’s legally someone else’s responsibility that you did something idiotic. “You’ve been served with a subpoena,” is just the adult version of “No, YOU’RE the stupidhead.”

You ate like crap for years and now you’ve got health problems? “You shouldn’t have made those nachos so delicious!” Fell into a fountain after too many beers? “That fountain shouldn’t have been there!” There was a guy who sued Michael Jordan because people stopped him on the street and said he looked like His Airness and he got tired of saying he wasn’t a legendary basketball star. You can’t make this stuff up. One time a guy threatened to sue me because he said that I was so good-looking his supermodel wife left him. OK, maybe you can make this stuff up.