State-Sanctioned Lying - 1/17/12

I know I told Michelle that I wasn’t being insulting when I said that her entire job could be performed by a 99-cent phone app, but…of course I was. How could that NOT be insulting? Come on, she deserved it, and by “it” I mean “the truth.” Yet as we all know when you’re an adult trying to be social in your neighborhood, telling the truth is a crime. As a kid, you get Pinocchio’s lie-sensitive nose, or the story of George Washington and the cherry tree. But as an adult, you’re expected to say “No, that dress does not make you look fat” or “I’m sure that Communications degree will really take you places.” I’m sorry, but Michelle has a stupid job that really can be replaced by a phone app. Because even when she’s wrong, she faces absolutely no consequences. Like Congress. (Now there’s a 99-cent app I could get behind…)

When I’m wrong at work…well, I can’t recall ever being wrong at work. But when Ed’s wrong, our business loses money. Need I remind you of our Clearance Sales on the crap Ed buys from Frank Lippi? In those cases, Ed feels the pain, learns his lesson, and we move on. (Usually: Ed had four Jack and Cokes recently, and now we’ve got a shipment of “irregular rope” on the way, which I’m assuming means “a box full of human hair.”) But when Michelle is wrong you just hear excuses, and maybe a giggle. Mandy could walk into that studio today and do her job with the same success rate. There might be more giggling, but certainly the same amount of misinformation.

So it’s no shocker she’s dating someone else full of crap. A Navy SEAL? Yeah, right. I’m so glad Vanessa let me lay into that goldbricker. Anyone who lies about military service ought to be punished by three minutes in the ring with Manny Pacquiao, followed by three minutes in the ring with a very hungry Mike Tyson. And let’s be honest -- no guy who could take down bin Laden would so gleefully take down kelp pasta with cashew meatballs.