No Boys, No Problem - 11/29/11

Look out world, because here comes Single Mandy. I am so excited to be on my own for a while. I don’t know what I was thinking, tying myself down to one guy like that. (Lizzie Trautwein? I once saw her give someone directions to the library. I mean, she knew right where it was -- off the top of her head.) I’m young and hot, and there is a world full of guys out there just waiting for a chance to even just be close to someone who will obviously be the Next Big Thing. I could probably charge money for a whiff of my hair, although I won’t, because that’s gross.

With a boyfriend out of the picture I’ll have time to plan exactly how famous I’m going to be and who I’m going to hang out with in Hollywood and what restaurants I’ll be eating and all that stuff. And I’ll have plenty of time to think about it while I make up these last 16 hours of babysitting duty for Boyd. I don’t even remember making this deal. It’s no fair holding me to promises I made while I was upset about my crappy, jerkface ex-boyfriend. I never held Kristin to any of the agreements she made with me while she was birthing Boyd. Although to be fair I asked her to confirm her “yes” response to most of those deals by saying simply, “Please God let this be over!”

But anyway, I think my star quality might be dimmed by boys. Or more likely, my star quality is so intense that it totally blinds them because no man can live up to my brightness, and having some not-awesome-enough guy orbiting around me will just totally get in the way of my meteoric rise to stardom. There was like, a lot of astrology talk right there, which is pretty dorky of me, but maybe as my brains catch up to my beauty I’ll do the Harvard thing like Natalie Portman and that Facebook guy.

And by the way, if you want to see the full version of our soon-to-be-VMAs-winning revenge video, just click here.