All About Eve - 10/18/11

Well, my plan for Eve is in full swing. She’s my sis, but seriously: What. A. Mess. It’s like she’s not even trying to copy my every move. It’s crazy!

So to help make her more pretty and popular like me, I’m using some reverse psychology. It might even be like reverse-reverse psychology. It’s brills. Like this: ’Member when I told her I’d rather be attractive than smart? I didn’t really mean that. I’m obvs totes smart, duh! But being smart is Eve’s thing. If I took that away from her she’d just be like, “The one Mom’s always proud of” or something. She’s certainly not the one with almost 6,000 followers on Twitter (me), or the one who Todd Sherman totally has a crush on (me), or the one with the baby (not me) or the one who definitely has the best wardrobe of anybody at school (me again).

Anyway, to make her more fab I’ve started accusing her of doing things she ought to do. “I’d rather be attractive than smart”? Part of the plan. Tomorrow, when I accuse her of trying to cut her shorts like six inches shorter? Part of the plan. The day after, when I accuse her of going a whole day only eating six pieces of lettuce? Part of the plan.

But Eve has always been like this. And by “this” I mean not as attractive as she could be. I mean, she’s no Mandy (who is?), but she could look approximately 7,345 times hotter than she does. Look at Tracy Bleeker. She was the most hideous girl ever in the history of girls. She sat next to me in fourth period, and it was awful. She smelled like hot dogs. And then she moved away. It was like, the best day ever.

OK, gotta run…I hear Dad coming. What smells like lavender?