Hope You’re Happy, Grandpa - 2/21/12

See, the thing about guys is that they can totally have a girlfriend and never mention it ever. I can’t believe grandpa has a…hmm…“girlfriend” sounds weird when you’re talking about old people. Ladyfriend? Elderlyfriend? EGF? Mamafriend? Eww, gross, I can’t believe I even just thought of that one. I’ve heard “gentleman caller” before… Woman caller? Call Woman? I think that’s something different…

Anyway, who does this guy think he is? I spent like an hour of my time, on the Internet, not looking at single guys for myself, and then when I swoop in to save the day, he’s just all casual like, “Oh I have an EGF, it’s cool, she’s awesome and stuff.” What. Ever. I did a lot of work for him, and that’s time I can never get back to spend finding the perfect Facebook profile pic. I filtered out all the weird cat ladies, and women obsessed with purple clothes, and cat ladies obsessed with purple clothes -- and other things too, but seriously, about 90% of them fell into one of those categories -- and I did it all to make him happy. And then bask in the glory of being the hero, but that’s totally irrelevant.

I think we can all agree that the real loser in this situation is grandpa. I mean, who is this Stella character he’s dating? He’s just leaping into the dating pool without having these women vetted first? He’s got me, an accomplished online stalker researcher, at his disposal, and he’d rather just date some random off the street? Would you rather buy slouchy boots from some random guy on the side of the road with a van full of slouchy boots, or would you rather buy slouchy boots from this totally amazing boutique downtown where they only give you like three pairs of slouchy boots to choose from -- so you know that they must be the cream of the slouchy boots crop? Also this really hot guy works at the boutique who wears like really deep Vs, and he totally has the pecs to pull them off, and also you’re pretty sure that he was checking you out last time.

What were we talking about again? Anyway, to wrap it up: Stella is sketch, online stalking is totes important, and I’m off to the slouchy boot store to try to get myself into a really deep V.