STORY 1: Jane’s Ex Comes to Town
Jane’s ex, Ryan, is visiting, and they’re having dinner together. Turns out Ryan is a woman. And when Brad finds out they were in love, he handles it very poorly.
(After Ryan shows up, and is, in fact, a woman)
Jane: Are you mad at me?
Brad: What do you think? Hell no! It’s 2013. This is the new normal. I knew you dated girls in your experimental phase, but I never got into the hot details. Why don’t we all stay in for dinner? We’ll get some wine out, drink it up, and really dig into your sexy past. It’s gonna be an awesome night!
Jane: We’re not gonna have a three-way.
Brad: It’s gonna be a pretty good night!
Ryan: Well, there was one other thing. That was when we said we loved each other.
Brad: What? No. Huh? Love? (long awkward pause) Well, all right, great dinner, we’re gonna call it a night. Jane and I will go to our marriage bed, and Ryan, you can leave, and do whatever, and I don’t care, and good night!
Brad: Ohh, it was real physical. Sex kind of physical. Socks off. And to completion most of the time. Correction: All the time. It was so hot.
Jane: Speaking of the debt ceiling, Ryan, I remember when you used to write me those love notes.
Pete: What does that have to do with the debt ceiling?
Penny: Bad transitions means the excitement’s about to start.
Brad: Melissa left me a lot of notes too. Sex notes. Some were even sent through the federal mail, so it was basically a sex crime. Nope, no, no, that is something…completely different.
STORY 2: Max’s New Roommate
Max has a new roommate, Chase (guest star Mark-Paul Gosselaar). Max vows that the two men will stay out of each other’s business, but reconsiders his hard line when it turns out Chase is, well, really cool.
Dave: Ah, yes…el nuevo roommate. When are we gonna meet this guy?
Max: Oh, no you won’t. I told that guy that we are going to live totally separate lives. I will not make the same mistake I made with my last roommate, and get all invested in his personal business.
Dave: That was me.
Max: I will not make that blunder again.
Max: Have you been up all night?
Alex: Yeah. I got a little weird in the hot tub, but I also taught myself this card trick. (She blasts the cards all over the place.)
Dave: Did Chase not come home last night?
Alex: No. No. And I’ve had a lot of time to consider all of the possibilities of what could have happened. He definitely got eaten by a bear.
(Walking up to a restaurant)
Max: OK, gang. Whoever abducted Chase is here and using his credit cards while he’s probably off in the desert, alone and scared, begging God for death, the vultures are picking at him--
Dave: There he is.