STORY 1: To Catch a Birderer
Alex is leaving town to attend the Rom-Com-Con, so she takes home her racist pet parrot, Tyler, who lives in her store. When the bird keels over, Penny and Brad think they've accidentally killed it, so they try to cover it up.
Alex: "I realized that Tyler was just racist because he didn't have any other interests other than racism, so I got him into baseball."
Tyler: "I hate the Indians."
Alex: "He's a big White Sox fan."
Tyler: "I hate Native Americans, too."
Jane: "Now, why would you bring your bird into a diner? Wait! I don't know why I'm surprised. I once saw you put sunscreen on a grape because you didn't want it to become a raisin, so I answered my own question there, done and done."
Tyler (after Penny and Brad break Alex's handprint plate): "You broke it, Brad! You broke it, Penny!"
Alex: "What did he say?"
Penny: "He said I broke... uh, the glass ceiling! And that's right, I'll climb up the corporate ladder in a skirt and I don't care who looks up it, 'cause I keep my yard tidy."
Brad (trying to resuscitate Tyler with pencils): "Don't look into the light! Clear!"
Penny: "You can't just poke him with a pencil and say 'clear.' We need defibrillators."
Brad: "Well, I don't have bird defibrillators, now do I, Penny? Saw them in the SkyMall catalog, but noooo, I just had to get my marshmallow gun."
Penny: "We need to cover this up. What would Kerry Washington do in Scandal?"
Brad: "Demand to see the president and then almost make out with him."
Penny: "She will never know anything if she never reads the autopsy report. That's why you are going to find it and destroy it."
Brad: "How? What if it was emailed to her as a PDF? How do you destroy a PDF? It's in the clouds! I don't control the clouds! I'm not Thor!"
Alex: "Wait, you guys killed Tyler?"
Penny: "Wait, I thought that's what you were gonna say. Who did you think it was?"
Alex: "Me! Before I went to the Rom-Com-Con, Tyler and I got into a big argument about what constitutes a celebrity apprentice all-star. I said Melissa Rivers. He said Joseph Goebbels."
STORY 2: Matchmaking for Max
To help Max overcome his loneliness, Jane and Dave each set out to find his perfect match. Max ends up finding his own date, but Dave and Jane get too caught up in the competition to realize they've both set Max up with the gay male version of themselves.
Max: "It's like my friend Prison Johnny always says to me through the glass, 'Don't get attached to anything that you can't walk away from in 30 seconds if the heat starts coming.'"
Dave: "Isn't that last part just a quote from the movie Heat?"
Max: "Actually, no David. It's a direct quote from my original screenplay for Heat 2: It's Gettin' Hot Up in Herre."
Max: "I am not lonely. I was just venting. I say a lot of things I don't mean, like 'I'll pay you back' or 'I'm good to drive.'"
Dave: "C'mon, Max, we wanna set you up. I have a great guy, Ben. He's in my drum circle and my jerk circle."
Max: "What now?"
Dave: "It's my amateur jerky-making group."
Jane: "My guy is the ta-tas. He's in my spin class, he's an eye-banger and he drives a crossover vehicle, so, yeah, he's white."
Brad (on meeting a cute bartender): "We have all the same interests. Love Ryan Reynolds, hate Ryan Reynolds movies."
Brad: "Meeting Marcus later. And let me tell you, I plan on wining, dining and seventy-nining. And, yes, if you're wondering, that is ten better."