STORY 1: Partying with the Parents
Jane and Alex's dad is celebrating 20 years in the mattress business, but his big anniversary party isn't all jumping-on-the-bed sort of fun. Jane desperately wants to come up with a good joke to make her dad laugh, while Alex has yet to tell her parents (guest stars Christopher McDonald and Julie Hagerty) that she's gotten back together with Dave, who's made a surprise appearance at the party.

Memorable Quotes:

Mrs. Kerkovich: "What did I teach you about buffet strategy?"
Alex: "Always start with your high-end meats. Skip veggies, they'll only fill you up with nonsense."
Mrs. Kerkovich: "And?"
Mrs. Kerkovich: "Be sure to make sexual eye contact with the carver, your stomach will thank you."

Dave: "I should be here. We're getting serious again."
Mrs. Kerkovich: "Serious?"
Alex: "Yeah, he means how, like, we're all getting serious again, y'know because of all the wars and the flash mobs and that floating garbage island. OK, we are post-Katrina, guys."

Mr. Kerkovich: "It takes a big man to stay friends with the woman who humiliated him like that."
Dave: "Well, I don't think 'humiliated' is the right word to use."
Mrs. Kerkovich: "Emasculated."
Mr. Kerkovich: "That's good. 'Embarrassed.' 'Castrated.'"
Mrs. Kerkovich: "Ooh, can the word 'eunuch' be a verb?"
Dave: "No!"
Alex: "It's a place, mom."

Mrs. Kerkovich: "Have you been dating anyone?"
Dave: "Dating? Yes! Lots. Yards and yards of ladies. In fact, meters, even. Because of the Canadians. Yep, I'm all aboot that Canadian strange, eh?"

Brad (to a depressed Dave): "Why the long face, Michael Phelps?"

Brad: "For years, my Aunt Margaret's nickname for Jane has been 'Cocaine.'"
Dave: "What?"
Brad: "Yeah, skinny, white, the scourge of the black community."
Dave: "Wow. That's a special kind of racism."

Dave (making an announcement at the party): "Alex Kerkovich and I are dating again. That's right! The guy she left at the altar is back on the scene. But you shouldn't look at me as a victim. No, no. You should only look at the ladies that I was with while Alex and I were broken up as victims... of good sex."

____________________

STORY 2: The Fifth Wheel
Penny has been spending all her time with new beau, Pete. Max is feeling like a fifth wheel, so he tries to find a replacement Penny.

Memorable Quotes:

Dave (to Max): "We're not fifth-wheeling you, Joey Fatone."
Brad: "Yeah, you're still in the band, Sporty Spice."
Jane: "You're our favorite character, Roz from Frasier."

Alex: "Max, you're the Rozziest."

Penny (listing the faults of the men she dates): "Name any guy I've ever dated."
Dave: "Simon."
Penny: "Microjunk, played the recorder, addicted to angel dust. Ahh, now I feel better."
Dave: "Simon was addicted to angel dust?? That's why he was always punching cars. I just thought he was cool."

Max (introducing his new friend to Penny): "This is Nickel."
Nicole: "It's pronounced 'Nicole.'"
Max: "Nickel is worth five times as much as Penny."

Jimmy: "Are we in the same spin class?"
Nicole: "Oh, yeah!"
Penny: "Spin class or chemistry class? It's like Breaking Bad in here. Sit down, let's cook!"