STORY 1: The Hype-Off
Max gets a job working the bar mitzvah circuit emceeing as a "hype guy," and he takes Brad under his wing to rile up the crowd as the bar mitzvah boy band, Boys II Menorah. When Brad starts stealing Max's thunder, tensions build until they settle things in a no-holds-barred hype-off.
Alex: “You know what would be good with this blintz? Bacon.”
Penny: "Al, If you're keeping it kosh, you can't eat bacon."
Alex: "Even on my cheat days?"
Jane: "There are no cheat days."
Dave: "Still no!"
Alex: "OK, I think I know the answer, but what about bacon bits?"
Jane (nodding no): "It says 'bacon' in the name."
Penny: "You have an eating disorder."
Penny: "So you know that super sweet guy I met at the bar mitzvah? It turns out he wasn't just a little on the short side with a hipster mustache. He's 13 and actually tall for his age."
Max: "I guess 5772 isn't going to be the year of Penny either."
Brad: "Speaking of bar mitzvahs, how awesome were Max and I yesterday? People were hanging on our every move. It was like a scene out of Magic Mike... Not that I would know."
Penny (to Max and Brad): "If you two team up, I bet I could get you a ton of work. You will be the hottest mixed-race dance crew since Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat." (Max gives her a dubious look) "He was Persian."
Max (to Brad): "Relax, white people love black people. Why do you think we've been wholesale ripping off your culture for decades? It's out of love... and greed. But mostly love... of money."
Max (competing for the bar mitzvah crowd's attention in the hype-off): "Get your hands up! Get your hands up!"
Brad: "No, no, no, no! Get your hands down and get your clap on! Get your clap on! Get your clap on!"
Max: "No! Clap is whack! Get your hands in the air if you don't really care!"
Brad: "You should all care! You should all care! Now, clap your hands with purpose, like you're totally invested!"
Penny: "Isn't this fun? So many options!"
Max (hyping the bar mitzvah crowd): "I hear a fiddler on the roof! Let's raise that roof!"
Brad: "No! Don't raise the roof! Don't raise the roof, 'cause the roof is on fire! Don't wanna burn those hands. I'm sure all the doctors in the crowd would agree, am I right?"
Penny (to the bar mitzvah crowd after Max and Brad throw each other into the cake): "I know this seems pretty awful, but when you consider all the things your people have been through, it's really not that bad."
Brad: "I've just never had a job that made people this happy, y'know? I was an investment banker, Max. That's like one step below Tonight Show bandleader."
Max (on no longer being a bar mitzvah hype guy): "Turns out I'm getting out of the game, too. Not by choice. It's just what we did in there is officially considered a hate crime."
STORY 2: Rekindling the Romance
Dave and Alex have gotten too comfortable in their relationship and they realize they need to rekindle the spark. Alex tries to spice things up by asking him to paint their place together, while Dave tries to whisk her away on "Love Airlines" with a Paris-themed dinner.
Jane: “You and Dave should go out with us tonight. Brad got tickets to one of those hologram concerts. Hologram Graham Nash is opening for hologram Hall & Oates. Well, actually, it's hologram Hall... and real-live Oates."
Dave: "How long have you been inhaling these paint fumes?"
Alex (seductively): "Long enough."
Dave: "OK, I'm just gonna open a window."
Alex: "I think you should open your pants window."
Dave (after getting paint in his eyes): "My Lasiks!" (after getting paint on his shoes) "My Asics!"
Alex: "Oooh, how are the eyes doing?"
Dave (wearing wraparound sunglasses): "Not great. Not great, but the paint incident did give me a chance to dust off me old shades."
Alex: "Did the doctor make you wear those?"
Dave: "Uh, yeah. Dr. Style."
Dave (trying to come up with a romantic getaway): "Oh! We could go to Florida and stay with my nana."
Alex: "There's nothing sexy about your nana!"
Dave: "She does alright..."
Jane: "What is some place that Alex has always wanted to visit?"
Dave: "Smurf Village."
Jane: "Real place."
Dave: "Paris. But honestly, that is a distant second."
Dave: "This is the invite? A fake plane ticket for 'Love Airlines?'"
Jane: "Yeah, check out where she's sitting. Your cockpit."
Jane (to the airport security guard who tasered her): "You fools! That only makes me stronger!"