The Ryan Report – Episode 217 "Tick, Tick, Tick..."

Ryan's Bio | Read the episode recap

I've always been able to play well with others – all my kindergarten report cards say so! I'm a pretty easy guy to get along with, which is really something when you consider that the department isn't exactly a place of politeness. I mean, I'm best friends with Esposito and that guy can be as salty as they come.

Still, when it comes to partnering with the FBI, even I can get a little frosty. Based on their reputation, and every Die Hard movie I've seen, the FBI has a habit of swooping into a prominent case and kicking the local police off it. So when Special Agent Jordan Shaw and her crew of nattily dressed Feds showed up at our crime scene, I girded myself for the worst. They even had the nerve to show up in a line of identical dark SUVs – not exactly breaking the stereotype.

Then they came into our Precinct and took it over, like the Russians in Red Dawn. Esposito and I were all ready to go all Wolverines on them... but then they started setting up these awesome Smartboards in their "War Room" and I softened a bit. I'm a sucker for a pretty computer screen, okay? All we have are whiteboards and bulletin boards – pretty old school stuff. Then, Special Agent Avery was friendly enough to show me how all the bells and whistles work, and we started talking.

Turns out, he's a big LOST fan as well! We started talking favorite characters (I'm a Sayid fan, he's a Hurley guy) and of course, our theories of what's behind it all. While I won't go into detail, suffice to say that mine is a lot more plausible than his... although I was nice enough not to tell him at the time! We may have wagered a bit of money on it, however.

After that, Avery and I got along like a house on fire – he'd show me the latest Federal gizmos and I'd give him the New York native's lay of the land. I loved learning how to instantly analyze evidence via a cell phone, and he was very pleased to be introduced to the best burgers in town over at the Shake Shack. A few pounds heavier maybe, and that line is way too long, but he was happy as a clam.

Funny thing is, the more Avery and I got along, the more annoyed Espo got. He had a chip on his shoulder about the Feds from the start and refused to let it go. Whenever I'd try to show him the cool device that Avery had lent me, he'd stalk off. He started muttering things about me "forgetting my real friends" or simply giving me angry looks.

Finally, in line at the coffee machine, I just straight up asked him what the hell was going on. Turned out, he felt left out. Thought I'd forgotten who my real partner was. Of course, it wasn't like that... I mean, is it my fault Espo finds Lost confusing? But anyhow, I sort of saw where he was coming from. Underneath that gruff exterior, Esposito's just as sensitive as anybody.

All was resolved by our next trip to the Shake Shack, where Avery bought us both a round of burgers, fries and shakes. Plus, having to wait an hour in line means you're stuck getting to know each other. Once Espo found out that Avery was a Tom Petty fanatic too, you couldn't shut those two up.

In fact, now I'm the one who's getting annoyed. I mean, there's only so many times you can hear two guys argue about whether "Hard Promises" is an under-rated album. I'm actually sort of starting to miss the time when those two wouldn't even talk to each other...