The Ryan Report – Episode 213 "Sucker Punch"

Ryan's Bio | Read the episode recap

Now I don't believe in get-rich-quick schemes. Anything that promises to make you Mr. Moneybags in no time flat is going to end badly. It's like sending money to a fake African prince, giving a ride to a homeless dude who claims to be Howard Hughes or buying something from a late-night infomercial – you wake up the next day feeling silly and a few bucks poorer.

So when I first heard about Johnny Vong's real estate system I was a skeptic. But after I began watching his videos, I started getting into it. I mean, the guy came to this country on a boat... and now he owns one! Plus, the video had girls in bikinis. Many, many girls in bikinis. Although I'm not really sure what they have to do with real estate. I guess it's nice that he's an equal opportunity employer. Just think of all the free real estate advice they're getting.

Point is, yes, I know it all sounds very... scammy. But the more I watched, the more intrigued I got. When our team headed to one of Johnny Vong's seminars, I have to admit I was excited. Might be an opportunity to pick up a few pointers in person. And the seminar didn't disappoint, with a firewalk and full-color brochures. Of course, things took a bit of a turn for the worse when I ended having to tackle Vong so that he wouldn't flee the scene. Not exactly how I'd planned on meeting the man.

Then came the real blow...it turned out that Johnny Vong wasn't even Johnny Vong! Well, I mean, that's still his name but he's not some immigrant off a boat, he's a Harvard MBA. I know that this should actually make me believe more in his system, but for some reason, it did the opposite. I guess it's the idea that if crazy immigrant Johnny Vong can make it rich, then anybody can; even an NYPD Homicide cop with an incredibly busy day job and a habit of spending all his free time either with his awesome girlfriend or fiddling with his fantasy football team.Jenny first. Priorities!

So after that I stopped researching Vong's system, much to Espo and Castle's great relief. They claimed they were going to start looking into cult deprogrammers if I spent any more time talking about it. Figures, since Castle's already a zillionaire and the only system Espo's interested in discussing are either Xbox or Playstation.

But I had a realization the other day that made me pick up Vong's videos again. Since Vong's arrested, people have stopped using his system. Bad for him, although you really shouldn't get involved in heroin trafficking if you're trying to convince people that you're a financial guru. Point is, if there aren't that many people using his system anymore, there's way less competition. Which means chances are better I could get rich quickly!

I've got a good feeling it's all going to work out. In fact, I've had my eye on a nice forty-foot yacht. Maybe next time I write you, it'll be from own personal boat...