Kevin Ryan Character Gallery

The Ryan Report – Episode 216 "The Mistress Always Spanks Twice"

Ryan's Bio | Read the episode recap | Sign up for text alerts!

There are things that make me nervous. Esposito behind the wheel of a car. A pest control notice on my neighbor's apartment. And mimes. Mimes do it every single time.

And then there's what happened this week. Introducing my girlfriend Jenny to everyone at work. That gets its own category of extra-nervousness.

I mean, dating itself is nerve-wracking enough. You're getting to know someone and, even scarier, they're getting to know you – well, the funnier, better version of yourself that you're pretending to be. You're endlessly aware of everything you're doing, how it might be perceived, what they think you really meant by that joke.It's sort of like being on a job interview, except those don't last for weeks and weeks.

Of course, there are a few side benefits to the whole dating thing that job interviews don't have – falling in love being one of them, obviously. (Although I suppose that is possible in some really, really bizarre scenario.)

Once you've let that person into who you are, you have to start letting them into the rest of your world; how your apartment normally looks, the trashy TV shows that you secretly watch, the fact that you like to sing ABBA songs after a couple of drinks. ...I mean, other people do. Not me. If you've heard that I do, it is just a complete and utter fabrication.

Anyway, a big part of that world is obviously your job. And being a NYPD detective, there's no such thing as a "day job." The Job is a 24/7, 365 days a year gig. So your co-workers aren't just co-workers... they're your work family. Legendary figures in the stories you regale your loved one with.

And to your work family, that loved one is an object of suspense as well. As Esposito put it so eloquently and touchingly: "You mean there's someone who hangs out with you who doesn't get paid for it?" They hear about her, see the ties she picks out, tease you... but it takes a while for them to meet her.

Plus, I have to admit that I've kept Jenny away from everyone at work a little longer than normal. It's partially because I feel Jenny is incredibly special... And partially because the last time I brought a girl by, she ended up trying to do drinking games in the bullpen and slipping her number to a guy downstairs in Robbery.

Point is, I was a nervous wreck the other night when Jenny came by the Precinct. When everything went perfectly, I couldn't have been happier. I may be a little biased, but I think Jenny managed to charm them in exactly the same way she charmed me... Through kindness, friendliness, and generally being one-hundred-perfect awesome. Plus she's so damn cute!

Okay, okay, I'll stop gushing already. I know you all read this because I'm hardcore NYPD murder police, but hey, even I have a sensitive side.

Anyhow, hopefully next time I get a smileyfaced text from Jenny or wear a special tie she picked out, they'll give me a bit more leeway. Actually, I think it's already started – Espo was asking about my Honey Milk recipe the other day. I think he might actually attempt it, too. In which case, I must issue a warning: Beware, Ladies of New York - Detective Javier Esposito and Honey Milk could prove to be an irresistible combination! ...